BBQ, Barbecues or Barbeques: Summer Barbecue Madness, Heaven or Hell?

Is there only me in the world that dislikes barbecues?

As the news in the UK proclaimed early in 2009, England was in for a great Summer, weather wise, and it was going to be a barbecue Summer. Yippee everyone seemed to shout but not me. Noooo, I screamed.

Now don't get me wrong. I love all things Summer. I adore hot sunny weather, lounging in my garden whilst idly reading a light and frothy novel. A day out to the beach is my idea of heaven. Those salad days when our diet is mainly fresh fruits, crispy salads and long cool drinks.

However, one thing I do not look forward to is neighbourhood barbecues. Sure attending the odd one, with good company can be nice. What is it though, that attracts every man and his dog, to vacate the kitchen and turn their garden into a smelly cooking area, as soon as any sun appears?.

As you try to linger, soaking up those lovely all too rare rays from the sun with the sweet scent of lavender and honeysuckle wafting across, and nothing louder than the odd twitter of birds and buzzing of Bees, do you really enjoy the neighbours having endless noisy, barbecues?.

I do not mean barbecues that are like small parties with guests but those with just the family, cooking greasy burgers outdoors on their huge gas barbecues. Is this really cost effect or good for the environment?. I know it s not good for mine.

The air initially smells of gas or some such other fuel. It then moves on to greasy smelling noxious pongs of poor quality sausages and burgers, before the smell finally settles into a smoky film over everything.

Having spent god knows how long getting this barbecue up and running the Man of the House then spends twice as long clearing up. Cleaning the barbecue seems to be an interminable task. In between we are treat to screaming children, crappy music, drunken laughter and shouting parents who can only speak at the volume of a megaphone.

Now I know that I sound a fair candidate for the Grumpy Old Women series on television but I make no apologies. After all no-one makes them to me.

My peaceful, leisurely days, in the all too brief sun, are few and far between these days. I can never dry washing outdoors unless I want it to smell as if I work in a greasy Joe's cafe. To top it all, no time of the day or day of the week is definitely barbecue free.

Misery guts I may be but I cannot believe that I am alone. Perhaps you enjoy your own barbecues but dread your neighbours exploits?

I find that I have a yearning for people who just lie in the sun and relax. If they want to eat outdoors they cook inside their home or eat traditional cold summer fare. They too want peace and quiet. They play the radio at a pleasant level which is conducive to every one's entertainment. Their children are well behaved and so they do not need a screaming mother constantly attacking them.

I have a theory that some of these barbecue fanatics just cannot sit still and enjoy life. They need to keep active and proving something, although I am not sure what and to whom. Cooking outside, with all its ritualistic behaviour, enables them to keep on the move as much as if they were constantly doing DIY tasks.

Just as some people, it would seem, were born with hammers in their hands perhaps some were born with cooking utensils?

Of course it could always be worse.

Our tiny gardens could have bouncy castles (has been done in the past) and trampolines added to their barbecue heaven. As silly faced children bounced up and down you would then have the pleasure of losing your privacy as well as your hearing. If we lived in huge houses with large open areas it would be a different matter but our postage stamped sized gardens mean that we must consider each other. Most of us do.

I guess it boils down to one person's heaven is another person's hell. However, live and let live has to have two sides to the bargain.